I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
