now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
