I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
