i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
