I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
