what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Randomize
