I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
