You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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