Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
