Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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