Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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