I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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