She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
