I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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