Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
