I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
