You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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