Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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