i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
