i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
