So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
