I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
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