I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
