I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
