I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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