i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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