mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
