It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
