Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Randomize
