haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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