Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
