New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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