Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
