I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
