i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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