so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Randomize
