omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
