John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
