Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
