Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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