That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
