I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
