I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
