We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
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Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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