Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
