My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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