My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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