Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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