your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
