so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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