You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
