I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
You may now shotgun with the bride
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize