I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
