Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
well you can't waste a boner
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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