Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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