the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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