You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
