Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
