I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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