I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
