My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
