don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
